First Steps to Discovering the New Me

It has been almost 5 months since you parted back home...Heaven, but I am still here on Earth. Since the first day you left, I magically understood that this was the way we had agreed things would happen. I understood, that God's plan, our plan, was taking its PERFECT course. I won't lie, the pain and emptiness I felt at that moment were tremendous, but bearable because I had you in my life. I still have you and will forever have you with me. Having you in my life  is greater than anything I have ever experienced. Having you and loosing you, has been a gift, one that I still don't understand clearly yet, but something I am sure of is, that the idea of not having you at all makes that sense of emptiness grow even deeper. I am what I am now, because I am your mother. 

Matias, being your mom has been amazing! Your are and will always be "The BEST gift GOD has given me". I made a promise, I promised to love you and take care of you during your time here on Earth. Believe me, I did love you, Matias! I loved you with everything I had at that moment. I lived for you; you inspired me in everything I did. I was so proud of the amazing being you were. It was heartwarming to see you give love to all who surrounded you, without expecting anything in exchange. It was so easy for you to love and to give. Your curiosity and innate drive to learn about the world and its wonders captivated me. You needed no ones help to find ways to explore. What astounded me the most was your innocent impulse to share every new thing you learned with me and all the people you loved. I needed you more than you needed me, and for that reason it was so easy to dedicate my entire time just to love you. You have been my greatest teacher. 

So now that you are not physically here anymore, you can only imagine how confused and lost I felt. Definitely, everything changed. I was never going to be the same person I was before. My life, automatically created a new chapter, which I felt unprepared for. I am still working on it, my love. It is harder than I thought, but I will stand firm to the teachings that I shared with you, at some moment in life, "to be a problem solver". You became my Master Problem Solver, and now mom has to learn how to be more like you. I need to learn to live my life with you only in my heart, and not physically in front of me. I am learning to talk to you without seeing your perfectly crafted face, without hearing you laugh and telling me how much you love me, without feeling your hugs and kisses. But still feel your LOVE, stronger than ever. That is something that is now engraved in my soul.

You continue to be my inspiration, I am back at work full time because I know you were proud that both mom and dad worked in schools helping children. I am here because I have now made a new promise. I promise to live my life honoring you. I will love and give without expecting anything in exchange, I will explore the world, now more than ever, always remembering to admire all of its beauty. I will share what I know with great pleasure and offer to help at all times. I will "Live Matias", I will live you. 

You have never left me, that I know, and as time passes I am learning to see you in a different way. I am slowly discovering the new me...